Lost in the desert without a compass?
Over the past few weeks we have discussed the topic of mashpiim and the Rebbe’s call for ‘asei lecha rav.’ In 1986 the Rebbe began to speak on a regular basis about the importance of ‘asei lecha rav’. The last few articles explained the function of the Rav and a mashpia in the spiritual sense, and the difference between a Rav and a chaver- a friend.
People have various explanations and reasons for why they have not followed the Rebbe’s call for ‘asei lecha rav.’ The following are of some of the answers that people have given for not having a Rav.
1. Some say that they don’t need a Rav because they were by enough fabrengens and got enough direct answers from the Rebbe in order to know what to do on their own.
2. Another reason given is that when they need to find an answer they use the index from the Rebbe’s letters to research the topic that they are interested in. Since the Rebbe’s letters cover almost any question, they are confident that they will find their answers.
The article from last week addresses these two excuses. In Chabad, we have always had mashpiim as a central focus. Since everyone is ‘meshuchad’ meaning that we are subjective, we need the objective viewpoint of a mashpia. Once Rabbi Yitzchok Groner asked an older bochur at a farbrengen who his mashpia was. He answered; “The Rebbe.” The bochur who was sitting in New York said later that the kick he received for saying, “the Rebbe,” could have sent him all the way back to Australia. Rabbi Groner told him that the Rebbe is not his mashpia. He said that everyone needs an older chosid to look up to. On a personal note he said when he was in his fifties and already very involved in community affairs in Australia, he would still take out the time go to France to spend time by Reb Yisroel Noach.
3. People say that they want a mashpia but cannot find one. The reason they give is that they are looking for a real chosid. What they are seeking is an ideal, not a person. They say that if there were a Reb Mendel Futerfas available, a Reb Nissan, or a Reb Hillel Partitcher, then they would have a mashpia. What they really seek is someone without faults.
4. Others say that they can’t have a mashpia, because the mashpiim aren’t down to earth. What good is it to have a mashpia who cannot truly understand my needs and basic outlook on life. If he was the kind of person who would feel comfortable spending time with me then he would understand me. But because he is the way he is, he won’t understand me.
5. Some people seek a caretaker, not a mashpia. Their idea of having a mashpia is to have a person to pour out all their problems to. Then they put it on their mashpia to figure it all out and come back with a detailed list of what to do. The expectation is that the mashpia should tell him how to wake up, what to wear, what to say, what to do from A to Z. He wants the mashpia to make it that all he has to do is follow his list of instructions and check them off as he goes.
6. Some feel that they don’t understand what the job of the mashpiim is all about. They don’t want to be a burden by doing or asking something inappropriate for the job of a mashpia. It’s not clear to many how much to tell the mashpia about the intricacies of one’s life. What is appropriate to share and what is better left unsaid.
When the Rebbe spoke about ‘asei lecha rav’, the Rebbe knew that the Rav wasn’t perfect. He knew that the Rav was not without fault and perhaps not the beinoni of the Tanya. Certainly the Rebbe did know that he was someone who learned, davened and was striving to do what is best.
I remember once when Reb Nissan Neminov came to a fabrengen in Montreal. There were yungelite who had attended his yeshiva twenty years beforehand. I was affected by the great respect that they had for Reb Nissan. There was one yungerman who took l’chaim and started to cry. He expressed how far he felt from the times when he was in yeshiva by Reb Nissan when he was holding on a higher level. One could see clearly the connection and impact that Reb Nissan had upon him. On the other hand, there were those who would not go to Reb Nissan for hashpa’a. The reason they gave was that he wasn’t mekushar- connected to the Rebbe the way they thought was best. These people didn’t have any mashpia because no one fit into their unreasonable imagination of what a chosid is. These same folks are now wondering why the younger generation aren’t listening to them.
Once at a fabrengen in Australia, a yungerman spoke about some of the yungelite that he knew. He explained that they realized that their mashpia isn’t perfect. Nevertheless, they know that he is striving for truth in his avoda. They knew that he is striving for something that they themselves do not yet have, and therefore they accept him as their mashpia.
When my father had to pick a Rav he took a yungerman thirty five years younger than himself as his mashpia.
Regarding the reason that many give that the Rav is not on my level and therefore he won’t understand me because he is so lofty. The fact of the matter is that we all live in the physical world, including the Rav. If you are sincere and the Rav is sincere then he will understand. Many ba’alei teshuva had my father as their mashpia. He understood very well their problems even though the subjects and difficulties that they were struggling with were very different than his own. Even though he was on a high level in his own avodah, he understood. Reb Shlome Hochler, a chaver of my father, once said that he didn’t understand how my father was able to communicate with two brothers that he knew. They spoke English. My father spoke Yiddish. Nevertheless, he understood. There was truth between them and there was a connection between them.
If someone has an illness chas v’Shalom you search for a doctor. You will never find the perfect doctor who never made a mistake. You may find a younger doctor but take him for his experience. Any responsible person would never self-medicate themselves from Dr. Google, even though there is a lot of information available. When it comes to the process of healing, personal guidance is absolutely necessary. They say that a doctor is his own worst patient. This is specifically because he is knowledgable about his condition. He is even more knowledgable about the fact that his condition will cloud his opinion. Therefore A doctor always seeks the advice of another doctor when it comes to his health. If one doctor doesn’t work, we try another doctor or get a second opinion. No one would ever think that the doctor is here to take their place. A doctor’s role is to give you general instructions which if you follow, you will get better. It is upon you however to implement it responsibly. He never stands in your place. So too a mashpia is not responsible to implement the guidance he gives. It always is upon you to follow through.
Therefore, in conclusion:
- Everyone needs to have a Rav to fulfill the Rebbe’s call for ‘asei lecha Rav.’
- The Rav that you chose should be someone you feel is an eish emes. He needs to be someone that you can trust and hold your confidentiality.
- It’s best to speak face to face, not over the phone, in order to be comfortable and confident that the Rav understands what you’re saying
- It’s advisable to make a pre-agreed upon time limit to be certain that it is not overwhelming on the Rav’s time.
- It is also advisable to agree about how long and how often you will meet with the Rav, not just every Rosh Hashana.
- It is also advisable to agree upon the appropriate topics of discussion in advance.
Kabolos HaTorah bSimcha ubPnimius.